just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
