I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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