just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
