good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
