tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
