apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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