Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
