we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
