I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
