also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
