Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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