i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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