Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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