I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
