Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
