my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
