my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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