I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
