i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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