You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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