I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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