So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
