I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
