the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
