Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
