i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
