Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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