Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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