i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
