you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
