Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
