Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
