i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
