If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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