I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i would punch a child for taco bell
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
