Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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