Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
