I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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