Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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