Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
