Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
