Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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