Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
