i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
