I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize