I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize