When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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