i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize