i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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