I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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