so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
