you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
