I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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