I should be sponsored by Trojan
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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