I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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