can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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